Despair

Jan-Saudek-Goodbye-Jan-1991-image-via-pinterest

It’s a beautiful morning. The sun is bright and the sky is blue. But all you could see are shades of grey. Your world is nothing but dark and gloomy. As if life has been sucked out of this experience called living. You feel helpless like an unhatched egg. You know there is life inside but there is no evidence of it.

It seems that the world has collapsed on you and the bed is your only shelter. There are days when you spend twenty hours on the bed, unable to tear yourself out of the cocoon of sleepless empty fatigue. On other days, you manage to drag yourself up into some semblance of normalcy. Brush. Bathe. Drink a cup of coffee. But there is a constant, inescapable, dull ache at the bottom of your throat.

You wanted to be somebody – a painter, a poet, a revolutionary. Today you are left with no desire of that sort. No motivation. No will. You just wish to cease to be. You feel grateful if tears roll down your cheeks. Those are the brief moments when you feel something…anything…at all. Most of the time you are just a vacuum, a dead space watching life pass-by in slow-motion.

Meeting people is the hardest part. You put up your social mask of plastic smile and fake interest. You speak in a low monotone devoid of any emotion. ‘Hello’, ‘I love you’ and ’Fuck off’ – all start to sound the same.

You see happiness all around you, but you can’t embrace it. Your loved ones –they suffer too. You can see the concern in their eyes. But when they tell you to snap out of it, you know they will never understand what you are going through. You wish it was that simple, but it’s not. You feel worthless. On worse days you feel like taking your life.

But deep inside, you wish you could feel happiness. You have felt it before. And you want to feel it again.

Featured Artwork: Jan Saudek

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